#079 : I TRIED IT / THE 5-DAY PROLON FAST-MIMICKING DIET
Original publication date: Nov 19, 2023
Welcome back. I am typing this from a cushy leather sofa at Rough Draft Bar & Books in Kingston, New York, which is about ninety minutes north of the city, in the Hudson Valley. Believe it or not, in an intoxicating surge of hyper-organized ‘sobriety high’, I spent the past month getting fully financed to purchase a 100-year old house here.
This morning, I came up on the bus, met my agent at Cocoran, saw the beautiful, three-story historic home…
…and fully shut down.
“I’m so sorry.” I backed away from the broker. “I just realized that I should buy a small apartment in Manhattan.” I was in a daze. “I don’t even drive.”
“Okay,” the agent sighed. LOL.
Anyway, I am now waiting for the bus back to Port Authority, and I have all the time in the world to tell you about something really weird that I did last month.
The Prolon Program!
*****
Longtime readers know that I used to maintain a hilariously underweight and patriarchal-beauty-standards-conformist physique via—essentially—non-stop self-harm.
I called it the ABC method: Amphetamine. Bulimia. Cardio.
When I first went off entered 12-step recovery after 25 speedy years in November 2022, I was determined to—for the first time—be brave and learn to slim down when I so desired, without relying on A or B. (I’ll C forever.)
“How do normal people lose weight?” I babbled to my mother on the phone. “Do they join Weight Watchers?”
“Hmm…” My mom was with our family friend in Virginia. “Minnie says she does the Prolon cleanse twice a year.”
“Spell that?” I said.
“P-R-O-L-O-N.”
I followed Prolon on Instagram so I wouldn’t forget about it. Then, I forgot about it.
*****
Eleven months later, in full-blown recovery, I hadn’t even gained much weight. I was, however, hooked on junk food at night, and doing really creepy, gross things, like Uber Eats-ing from this 24-hour place The Donut Pub, then chewing up the donuts and spitting them into Ziplocs. The Z method.